Who am I without you? : an autoethnographic exploration of (not) belonging in the gay community and its implications for self-acceptance

Abstract

The aim of this study was to critically engage with my personal reflections to explore my sense of belonging in the gay community and how this belonging shaped and influenced my self-acceptance after having experienced family rejection due to coming out. This was approached qualitatively, using autoethnographic methodology which sought to create knowledge through first-person narrative writing, and to advocate for LGBTQIA+ voices through my personal experiences. An autoethnography establishes a personal connection between the reader and researcher and encourages reflective, honest, and challenging conversations about social issues. Data for this study took the form of written personal reflections elicited using memories of, and written accounts (e.g., journal entries) related to, salient moments in my life that related to the aim of the study. Thematic analysis was used to analyse the data in these written personal reflections. Five main themes emerged, namely: Introduction to Heterosexuality and Relationships; Coming Out and Rejection; Navigating my Coming Out Experience; Relationships after Rejection; and Finding my Worth. Although the themes were discussed separately there was overlap between these which highlights the interplay between multiple systemic factors (i.e., gender roles, queer bodies, mental health, familial relationships, and social settings) that influenced my sense of belonging and self-acceptance. In conclusion, navigating my gay identity was (and still is) a lifelong process of self-discovery as I continue to be challenged with a negative self-appraisal and feelings of not belonging in a predominantly heterosexually organized society. Based on the findings and conclusions of this study, the limitations and potential recommendations for future research have also been discussed.